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I miss you so much darling

I googled your name tonight, darling
And in the search results in my mobil
I say the headlines with your full name
It was your obituary online in spanish

In black and white
Your name was written
And it was written that you falleció
In Madrid, and my heart stopped beating

You died in Madrid, in a suburb outside the city
And I wasn´t there to hold you
I wasn´t there to rescue you
And you died, meanwhile I was sleeping 2000 km away

I found on the obituary page, that I
Could light a virtual candle
And I could create a picture of flowers
To put under your name

No one had still written anything
So I sit here with my tears running
Creating a bouquet of virtual flowers on your obituary page
Litting a virtual candle

I have no contact with your family
I don´t know where they will put your ashes
But I found your obituary on line, and don´t worry darling
I will find your grave, and I will come and see you

I´m crying every day darling
I´m so sorry for that you suffered som much
But why didn´t you tell me earlier about your concern?
Why didn´t you give me the chance to help?

I know you are a proud man
Who wanted to solve things alone
And you did solve your problems alone
And I´m so so sorry for that

It´s still so unreal
To read that you have died
It can´t be true, because
You and I should have met now in april

We should have shared churros with chocolate
On Puerta del Sol
And we should beat all the demons
Together

We´ve been waiting for 2,5 years to finally meet
We´ve been fighting so much for our love
It shouldn´t end like this, darling
We should be embracing each other right now

You would be surprised if you felt my pain
You can´t imagine how much I miss you
Sometimes I wonder if you really understood
How much I really loved you, I hope so

Tomorrow I will participate in a grief workshop
Learning to cope with my grief over your death
But I will never learn to cope
To live without you

I have printed out and put our last conversation
On my wall
Laying in bed
Looking at your last words

You said you loved me and
The last message you received from me
Was me saying that I loved you too
Five hour later you were dead

It´s hard to eat,
I haven´t had a real meal since you died
I´m so incredibly lost without you
I´m so incredibly sad darling

Now you rest, mi vida
I will make myself a cup of tea
Anders have a friend over tonight
I wish I would have had the oportunity to call you to tell about that

I´m answering the comments on Flickr
And you have more followers now
And I have put the dates of your birth and death on the page
Just like you once asked me to do, if you died before me

Te quiero Javier, para siempre.

/Lotta

 

 

 

 

 

Til death do us part

Just one week after we first met
You said you had a feeling
That you and I would stay together
Til death do us part.

I felt the same
I knew I had finally found you
It took more than half of a lifetime
To finally find you

I´ve been looking for you ever since
I sat alone in my house, 8 years old
Listening to the echoes of
My mothers depression

When I took my first beer, had my first kiss
Alone in the stable with my pony
Alone at the streets at night as a teenager
When I got married once, twice

At every Bruce Spingtsteen concert
When I got robbed
When I got assaulted
When I lived in Spain

All this time, I´ve been
Looking for you
And when I found you
I had no doubt it was you

Life gaved us 2 years, 4 months and 12 days togehter
We never had time to meet in real life
Until death took you away from me
And I died with you

I sit here with all my poems to you
With all my love and longing to comfort you
With all my despair that I couldn´t save you
With all my pain living without you

Thanks from my heart to my blog friends Poetpas and Charly Priest for your support.

Lotta

 

 

My boyfriend died

I had a recorded message at my phone last night. It was from my boyfriends best friend.

He told me that my boyfriend has died.

I wasn’t there, I had no chance to save him.

At the moment I will stop blogging.

Thank you all for those years on wordpress.

..mi carino, por què no me llamaste?
Te quiero. Siempre.

Lotta

Are you there?

“Me oyes?
Estás ahí?
….
Pues, no estas conectado al wifi”

I put my mobile down on the empty passenger seat
Starring right in front of me
A child is watching me
Through the windscreen

I feel alienated
Not remebering how many messages
I’ve sent
Unanswered

I walk into the grocery shop
Missing you
Feeling guilty
For not being strong enough

You don`t want to meet me, until you get well
You´re scared like I am
But honey, I´m not well either
We´re both falling apart

I respect your decision to hide away
But I don´t respect my decision
To keep on walking alone
But I have to choose life

I´m angry with you
For not choosing to walk beside me
I´m angry with me
For not letting you go

“Me oyes?
Estás ahí?
….
Pues, no estas conectado al wifi”

IMG_5772

 

 

Today

Today I decided
To be strong
To face my
Problems alone

Today I decided
Not to be afraid
To keep my head
Up high

I will get through this
Whole and sane
I will get through this
And I will never be the same

When you fall in love

When you fall in love
You enter a time machine
Which takes you back
To your childhood
 
You return to places
You thought you´ve never been
In the speed of light
Trespassing your own history
 
Distorted mirrors reveals
Forgotten parts of yourself
Vulnurable, broken, exhausted
Lights out!
 
The space is cold and you´re shaking
Back into orbit
Togetherness and belonging
Flucturating below
 
Free falling
In gravity
Two hearts beating fast
Wishing to land safely

munch164

 

 

Don’t be kind to me

Don’t be kind to me
Cause I will do it again
Repeatedly
Believe in you

Don’t look at me that way
Because I hate myself
In singular
For raising my vocie

You’re pretending and I’m defending
A ridiculous play
On a theater with no audience
But two screaming souls

When the show is over
No one is remembering
What happened
Or why

Don’t be kind to me
Because I can’t distinguish
Kindness from darkness
Old scars are itching

Carnival-of-Souls-1998-2

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