Yes You Can

Start here

I go from here

I was thinking this morning
While drivning my son to school
That I have everything I need
My boys are healthy and I’m healthy

That’s all I need
I smile at the stars
Hand in hand with
Taking a waltz with the moon

I go from here
Hugging my loved ones
Telling them how much I love them
And I’m so grateful

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Thank you life

Last tuesday I took my youngest son to the emergency. During the last 2 days he had noticed a strange heartrhythm but still he felt fine and we decided to check it up wednesday. But on tuesday when he went to by some refreshment he called me from the street telling me that he was not felling fine and that it was time to go to the doctor.

I left all I had in my hands and I jumped in the car and pick him up at the street and we drove to the lockal medical center, who sent us directly to the emergency at the hospital in Stockholm. The doctor found out that the electric impulses didn’t work correctly and my son was sent to the intensive heart care unit. After two days he got a pacemaker implanted and now we’re back home. My son is feeling fine again.

During the night at the hospital, my son told me he woke up and saw his own pulse at the monitor, it was 32. The nurses said it was “normal” during the circumstances and they told me he was in the safest of hands. I slept in a rom beside my sons room and I could not relax even if we were at the safest spot to be. On thursday he got a pacemaker implanted and now he is feeling fine. And we’re back home.

I’m tired, still very scared, still easy to cry, because it was so fearful to se my son so vulnurable and having no control.

And for my son, from sitting playing a computergame with friends tuesday afternoon, going to the store to bye something to drink, and to end up in the emergency the same afternoon and two days later have a pacemaker implanted, is quite a journey for a 18 year old. My son is braver than me and wiser. And he tells me that he is happy to feel secure that the heart is working perfectly fine again.

There will be moments ahead with questions and up and downs and ups like for us all. But my son is alive and we’re together and I’m so incredible grateful.

I also feel guilty, guilty for feeling so sad and shocked because it wasn’t I who had the pacemaker. I feel almost “egoistic” to feel that way. And I have questions “Should I’ve sent him to the ER earlier even if he said it was not necessary?” But I must try not to be hard on myself. Everything turned out fine and I got my son home healthy and fine.

Thank you to the hospital and the heartdoctors of Södersjukhuset and thank you to all the staff at HIA, Stockholm. Thank you so much.

I love you so so much, dear Anders.

 

Lotta
Anders mom

Stand up

I know, I know
I put my hands on the chilly mud
But why are you still waiting then, she says
He is not going to change

Because I love him, I say
Thats a nobel reason, she answers
But he is not here and he won’t come back
And you, my dear, are wasting your precious years

You’re not young anymore, you know that?
She looks at me
I know, I answer
Then act, she says

But how do I leave someone I want to save
You don’t leave someone, who’s lying on the floor!
Yes you do!, she answers
Because you’re lying on the floor too

And he is not lending you his hand, to help you up
You’ve been all alone from the start
He’s not bad, he just can’t help you, he is too badly hurt himself
You’ve been nobel, you’ve been faithful, now it’s time to let go

Stand up, and keep on walking
Leave the past behind, you don’t need it
Rise up girl, dry your tears and brush the dirt from your knees
Here, take my hand, I help you up

Dear mindblower

Dear mind
Or should I say
Dear mindblower
Because you blew me away

We’ve been together for so many years
I’ve always considered you
To be my best friend
The only one who really understood me

I trusted you and listened to you
I leaned on you in rain and in sunshine
I hold you in the panic attacs and in anxiety
Because you’re all I got in me

But a couple of weeks ago it struck me
We had to change,
You and me
Because my body was aching, my heart was out of rhythm

I slept bad and felt so much stress at my job
My face was sad and my boys were worried
And my loved one
Wasn’t by my side anymore

Spending 15 days with a pneumonia
And a lot of reflecting
I realized, maybe we got it all wrong
And we have to start all over again

You and me
Dear mind
And this time
I ask you to listen to me

Leave the past behind
Leave the childhood behind
Leave the broken relationships behind
Leave the shame and anxiety behind

Get a paper and a pen
Meanwhile I will make us a cup of coffe
Let’s start fresh
We’re only 54 years old

I will start my company
I will regain my health
I will regain my strenght
With you by my side

Let’s start today
And don’t look back over your shoulder
No one is going to haunt us down, I promise
Let’s get started and let’s do it now

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Today is a good day

Today is a good day
My boys are fine
We’re healthy
We’re safe

And you and I, honey
Turned the bad situation around
Holding on tight
Two bodies, one soul

I take a cup of tea
My boys are looking at a film
You’re safe at home
Today is a good day

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Virtual reality

Our virtual reality
Hits hard today
The plastic screen
Creats blurry floating isles in colors
When I try to touch your face with my finger

Putting the screen down
Entering my physical reality
Living my daily life
Without you beside me
Still with you in my mind and heart

Honey, how long shall we go like this?
Til the end you answer
We must do something! I shout.
We must fight against the obstacles and leave
This virtual reality

Honey?

I never left

So, I saw the darkness
You’ve been trying to hide
Since
We met

You were so sure
That I would leave you
So you
Bite and left first

One day when you stop
And turn around
You will see that
I never left

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