Since I was a little girl my mother told me that I could not do it. I was not worth it.
She told me that I couldn’t be a singer because I did not have a beautiful voice.
She told me I couldn’t be a model because I was too short. She told me I would never find love because love didn’t exist and nobody would want me.
When I didn’t agree to her opinions she told me I was mentally ill and that I was better of in a mental hospital. I won’t write more about what she said or did, because she is dead and she has no right to hurt me anymore.
It’s true a bad childhood affects your life. It affects your self esteem and it affects your love life. And you’re helplessly aware of it. It’s like crawling in a coalmine, coughing, knowing that the dust in your lungs will kill you if you don’t find fresh air.
How do you find fresh air in a coalmine? There is none, The only way to find fresh air is to get out o there. And it’s difficult. It’s dark and there are no emergency signs that shows you the way out. You have to do it yourself and some people give up and stop trying, others fails and dies in their efforts and a few of us makes it.
I made it. But that doesn’t mean that I camed out of the mine after a number of years and then live a happy life in freedom. I will never be free and I will never be really healed. I just managed to get out because it was never en option for me to stay.
During my way I hurt myself. Other hurt me. And the memorie are always at my shoulder. On a rainy days the scars are aching more. I have many broken relationships behind me, not because I treated people bad. I treated myself bad, because I didn’ know how love looke like.
My best advice to people with a bad childhood is those:
1. Accept that you come from a different childhood
2. Accept that a part of you will never healed and that is ok
3. Be proud of yourself, you survived.
4. Forgive yourself for all the stupid things you’ve done in you effort to get out from that coalmine. It was about survival.
5. Try to find joy and try to do good for you and others. You’re worth it