Yes You Can

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Trust is a decision

I always read that
Trust is supposed to be earned, that
Trust is something you give away
To somebody who showed that he or she deserves it

At first I agreed
Yes indeed
This is what trust is all about
Then I discovered that

Trust isn’t something another person earns from you
Trust is something you decide to give
You don’t wait for the other one to deserve it
You decide to trust

Trust is an active decision of yours
As well as forgivness
As well as resentment
The only thing that is not a choice nor a decision is love

Love is not a choice nor a decision
Love is life
A gift, an opportunity, a suffering, a joy and absolutely
No control

When I trust someone
It’s a decision I make
That person doesn’t have to prove anything to me
It’s my call, it’s my choice, it’s my risk

And there are moments in life
When you have to be the one who shows trust first
Even when there is nothing to be sure of
Except from your own decision to trust

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Loving you

There are endless of lovesongs and lovepoems in the world
I think it’s because love itself is endless
And each and every soul is endless

This poem is for you Javier
Because you are this unique person to me
It’s difficult to describe the sensation I had

When I received your first message
When I read it knew I had found you
And how do you handle a discovery like that?

It took us half of our lives to finally find each other
I don’t know why life let us wait so long
I just know there is no time for resentment

Of course I wanted to be young and beautiful when I finally found you
Of course it had been much easier if we lived in the same country
But we are so lucky to finally meet

Face to face, so far on the screen
Heart to heart in every heartbeat
Soul to soul in every breath we take

Our journey has just begun, and I will fight for ever step
That leads us to the day you can put your arms around me
I love you of all of my heart and soul

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There are days

There are days
When I feel so much fear
Fear of dying
Before I have had the chance to touch you

 

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A bad childhood always affects your life

Since I was a little girl my mother told me that I could not do it. I was not worth it.

She told me that I couldn’t be a singer because I did not have a beautiful voice.
She told me I couldn’t be a model because I was too short. She told me I would never find love because love didn’t exist and nobody would want me.
When I didn’t agree to her opinions she told me I was mentally ill and that I was better of in a mental hospital. I won’t write more about what she said or did, because she is dead and she has no right to hurt me anymore.

It’s true a bad childhood affects your life. It affects your self esteem and it affects your love life. And you’re helplessly aware of it. It’s like crawling in a coalmine, coughing, knowing that the dust in your lungs will kill you if you don’t find fresh air.

How do you find fresh air in a coalmine? There is none, The only way to find fresh air is to get out o there. And it’s difficult. It’s dark and there are no emergency signs that shows you the way out. You have to do it yourself and some people give up and stop trying, others fails and dies in their efforts and a few of us makes it.

I made it. But that doesn’t mean that I camed out of the mine after a number of years and then live a happy life in freedom. I will never be free and I will never be really healed. I just managed to get out because it was never en option for me to stay.

During my way I hurt myself. Other hurt me. And the memorie are always at my shoulder. On a rainy days the scars are aching more. I have many broken relationships behind me, not because I treated people bad. I treated myself bad, because I didn’ know how love looke like.

My best advice to people with a bad childhood is those:

1. Accept that you come from a different childhood
2. Accept that a part of you will never healed and that is ok
3. Be proud of yourself, you survived.
4. Forgive yourself for all the stupid things you’ve done in you effort to get out from that coalmine. It was about survival.
5. Try to find joy and try to do good for you and others. You’re worth it

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Until I met you

A little smile plays on your lips when
Your hand pulls through your hair
You look at me with your dark eyes
And I noticed that something is different

My heart start to race
Is this the end of it all?
Am I going to loose you?
Before we even have had the chance to start?

Outside the window it is snowing and 2 degrees
At the café were you are sitting it is cloudy and 25 degrees
I sit with my hands in my knee
What can I do from from thousands of kilometers away?

You don’t even know the smell of my skin yet
I don’t even know the smell of yours
I want to touch your face with my hands when I
I look at the screen praying the wi-fi won’t fail again

You lean back in the chair when you finally speak
You have to stop thinking like this, you say
I’m here, I’m not going anywhere
I’m happy by you side and I think we both are happy with each other

I sit in silence, confused, and then I understand
The different look I see in your eyes
It’s not about that you are going to leave
It’s about that you have decided to stay

I put my guard down and I give my heart to you
I didn’t know love could feel so strong like this
I didn’t know I could love so truly like this
Until I met you

For my boyfriend Javier

A Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Day

I don’t know if there is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder day in the calender. But if it is I will celebrate it.

What is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Due to the National Institute of National Health Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is:

PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.

It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.

You can feel this sensations after being raped, after being in war or seeing horribel accidents or having the fear and belief that your life is in severe danger.

27 years ago I was attacked. And the scars remains.

And today I had a flashback when I was about to sell my car.

I was just going to sell my car. A normal thing to do. And a guy called and said he was very interested in seeing the car and he and his friends wanted to come and see it. But after deciding place and time my heart started to race.

Three guys and me in a garage? The memories from 27 years ago suddenly were fresh as the attack happened yesterday. And I started to look for my pepper spray or something else to defend myself with.

When I went to the garage I had my boyfriend in the telefone. He called from Madrid. If something did happen he couldn’t help me. Still it was a life line to hear his voice.

Meanwhile a war was going on inside of me, three polite guys camed and looked at the car and said no thank you and left. And I returned to my flat with a racing heart and a feeling of shame.

It was a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder day for me, even if it wasn’t in the calender.

And the worst part wasn’t the memories or the fast heartbeats. The worst part was the shame I felt. You know, that kind of shame who doesn’t go away with a shower.

So here I am. Not knowing what to do this evening.
Still I’m glad I’m alive and that my boys are alive.

And with that, I wish everyone of you a nice sunday evening and a good week to come.

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All that I know

I’m fading away
But I don’t know where
It’s just a feeling that
I’m falling

I don’t know if I’m falling down
Or if I’m flying up
I don’t know if I’m slowly dying
Or if I’m slowly awakening

I don’t know if I ought to be scared
I don’t know if I ought to be excited
I just know that I’m not the same person anymore
And I’m not living in the same world anymore

It all began the day I met you
I knew that nothing would be the same
It was a before and an after
The day I started to love for the first time in my life

I have no answers or solutions
All that I know is that I can’t go back
All that I know is that I don’t want to live a life without you
All that I know is that I love you

 

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