Or should I say
Because you blew me away
We’ve been together for so many years
I’ve always considered you
To be my best friend
The only one who really understood me
I trusted you and listened to you
I leaned on you in rain and in sunshine
I hold you in the panic attacs and in anxiety
Because you’re all I got in me
But a couple of weeks ago it struck me
We had to change,
You and me
Because my body was aching, my heart was out of rhythm
I slept bad and felt so much stress at my job
My face was sad and my boys were worried
And my loved one
Wasn’t by my side anymore
Spending 15 days with a pneumonia
And a lot of reflecting
I realized, maybe we got it all wrong
And we have to start all over again
You and me
And this time
I ask you to listen to me
Leave the past behind
Leave the childhood behind
Leave the broken relationships behind
Leave the shame and anxiety behind
Get a paper and a pen
Meanwhile I will make us a cup of coffe
Let’s start fresh
We’re only 54 years old
I will start my company
I will regain my health
I will regain my strenght
With you by my side
Let’s start today
And don’t look back over your shoulder
No one is going to haunt us down, I promise
Let’s get started and let’s do it now
Today is a good day
My boys are fine
And you and I, honey
Turned the bad situation around
Holding on tight
Two bodies, one soul
I take a cup of tea
My boys are looking at a film
You’re safe at home
Today is a good day
Our virtual reality
Hits hard today
The plastic screen
Creats blurry floating isles in colors
When I try to touch your face with my finger
Putting the screen down
Entering my physical reality
Living my daily life
Without you beside me
Still with you in my mind and heart
Honey, how long shall we go like this?
Til the end you answer
We must do something! I shout.
We must fight against the obstacles and leave
This virtual reality
Last night I couldn’t sleep
I was so full of
The rain was falling outside
And I heard my oldest son
Talking to his girlfriend
Happy and close
I was laying in my bed
Thinking of all the mistakes
As a mother
Being too stressed out
Having destructive relationships
Well, I guess that is sufficient
I tried to think of the good things I’ve done
But they tasted like too weak coffe
This stringent night
In the court room of my mind
It was 2 a.m and I wanted to
Take the train to my youngest son
Who´s currently staing at his fathers house
Just to hug him and say that I’m so sorry
I’m sorry for the times I’ve been stressed out
And putting fast food on the table
I’m sorry when I was in so in love in my world
That you felt abandonned and lonely in yours
There is a saying that you can always
Create a new beginning
But this night I felt doomed and lost
And there was no train in traffic
I hope I can reach you
I hope you will forgive me
I will take the train to visit you today
And I hope you’re soon moving home again
So, I saw the darkness
You’ve been trying to hide
You were so sure
That I would leave you
Bite and left first
One day when you stop
And turn around
You will see that
I never left
Why is it so lonely and hard to break up with bad childhood patterns?
Patterns that hurt you.
Patterns that rob you of your selfworth
Patterns that humiliate you.
Patterns that reduce you.
I can see where they all come from.
From a father who left without saying good bye, telling me he left because I didn´t love him. Wich I did. But the reality was that he found another woman and she was expecting his baby. That was the truth. And the next morning he was gone. I wrote letters to him every week for 1-2 years, but he did not answer. After some years his new wife told him to invite me over or she would leave him. So he did.
From a mother who wanted me to tell her everything of my life, and who wanted me to say the right things. If I didn’t, she stopped talking to me until I did. And it’s hard for a child to live in a house were there is a person walking around hostile not talking, so I said the right things.
And I lost myself, got anxiety, turned out to be a pleaser but also a survivor.
I ended up seeking and creating relationships who’s been matching the above criteria.
I’ve been deeply in love and badly hurt. Because, those people I met had the same traits and behaviour as my mother and father, and were not able to love another person in a deeper, compassionate level.
I can se the pattern now. And even if I can see it. It’s so hard to break it.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe because of the little twist we humans have in our minds: hope. Hope that this time will it be different. This time I will be able to save the person I met.
But I can’t. I couldn’t save my mother, I can’t save my father. I can’t save the partners I’ve met in my life.
I can save me. I can save my children.
And it sounds logical and easy, since you know the core of the problem. But it’s not easy.
It’s not easy to loose a loved partner, even if he has faults and don’t behave well, because trying to save another person, devoting myself to do good, even if I get hurt, is my best skill. It’s my comfort and all that I know.
Breaking a childhood pattern is sad and lonely.
Thank you all lovely blogging friends out there for reading and listening.
Among the lemons
I search with my eye
To hold on to
People are all around
Shopping, talking, pushing
I feel I’m walking
Yes, I feel lonely
Because you don’t want me near
And I can’t let you go
Yes, I feel angry
Maybe it’s from the heat outside
They say it’s the warmest summer in history
Or maybe I’m angry
You don’t tell me what’s going on
And it makes me lost
I can’t touch you
I can’t see you
I put the lemon in my basket
And I head for the entrance