Yes You Can

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We almost made it darling, didn´t we?

We almost made it darling
Didn´t we?
We were only days from meeting for the first time
When death did us part

We were so close darling
And how I longed to hold you
In my arms
For the first time

How I longed to pull my fingers
Through your hair
How I longed to put my head on your chest
And smell your skin

How I longed to finally see you in your eyes
And not having a screen between us
How I longed to walk beside you
With my hand in yours

I will never be allowed to touch you
I will never be allowed to smell you
I will never be able to feel how it feels
To hold your hand

Your beautiful eyes and face are burnt to ashes
Your body is gone
And I´m desperately waiting for a sign
From you, that tells me you are fine

We almost made it darling
Didn´t we?
We were only days from meeting for the first time
When death did us part

Te quiero Javier. Para siempre. Inmenso.



No contact

Gasping for air
No contact
With life

Don´t come near
Don´t ask me how I am
Lights out


Maybe if I close my eyes hard enough

Tomorrow is your birthday
You should have been 47
And I should have been by your side

It´s so incredibly, incredibly hard
To live without you
And when we meet again
You don´t have to explain anything, just hold me tight

Do you know what I did today?
I bought a flight ticket
I´m going to Madrid
In may

I will visit your job and say hello
And I will give them the book
With your photographs I´m making
And I will go to Madrid Rio and Parque the Manzanares

I will visit all the places, you showed me and
The places we visited together on webcam
Places you and I was supposed to visit
Together this month

I will go to our favourite café
And order two frappuchinos
One for you with white chocolate on, as you love
And one for me

I will visit Puerta del Sol and stand on
The Kilometer Cero mark
That was were we was supposed to meet
Remember darling?

I will stand there and maybe if I close my eyes hard enough
You will show up in the crowd, smiling
Saying that everything was a joke
Embracing me to never let me go

I´m taking care of your photo page darling
One of your followers wrote a comment today
She wrote she was so sorry that you where dead
And that she was thinking of us, of Lotta and Javier she wrote

I talked to my boss today and he gaved me
Permission to have vacacion in May to go to Madrid
All my work colleagues knows about you
And they know how much I love you

I hope you are fine darling
I hope you´re happy and I hope
That you see me, please say you do
I feel you all the time, you are a part of me

I love you Javier, so incredibly much /Lotta




Out of words

Out of words
My strenght is fading
In a world without you

From my point of view

Some of my photographs from 2018



IMG_1295Stand by me


IMG_4095.JPGCrossing over


IMG_4302Opposites attracts

One more step.jpgOne more step

Life took another turn

It feels like I´m losing my mind
I don´t recognize myself in the mirror
I´m sitting in a grief group in Stockholm
In a workshop about how to handle with grief

Well darling, this wasn´t what I wanted
This was not what I was supposed to do
I was supposed to pack my bags in a couple of weeks
To fly to Madrid to embrace you for the first time in my life

Now I sit here in my sofa, with my homework
From the grief course
My homework is to write a diagram
Over our relationship

I´m supposed to write down when it started and when it ended
To put out the highs and the lows
Tomorrow is the last day of the course
The final task in the course is to write you a letter

I´m sitting here with all the papers
From the grief course, spread out in my sofa
But all I want to is to pack my bags go and
Meet you in Madrid

It feels like a nightmare
Walking to the course, in the chilly wind
Crying in front of strangers, feeling so completely lost
Knowing that you are burned to ashes and put in a urn

I will never be able to hold your hand, nor touch your face
I will never know how your skin smelled
I will never be able to cook you a meal
I will never be able to put my head on you chest

I´m grateful that you are in your parents house
I´m glad that you are not alone, with you anxiety and demons at night
But why didn´t you wait for me?
Why didn´t you call me darling?

I don´t want to go to sleep tonight, mi todo
I don´t want to wake up tomorrow
To another day
Without you

Espérame donde estes, me prometes

Javier, mi vida. Recuerdes esta poema yo escribí a ti en abril 2018? Tenía tanto miedo que tú o yo iba a morir antes que podíamos tener oportunidad tomar un paseo juntos. Y tú me dijiste, con tú voz calma y bonita, que todo va a saldrá bien y que pronto nos veremos. Pero la vida no nos permitó tomar un paseo juntos y no sé que hacer sin ti.
Te echo de menos tan intenso, mi todo. Espérame donde estes. Prometeme eso. Te quiero.

No te vayas

No te rindas
Mi amor
Hemos llegado tan lejos
Por algúna razón

Siento tú dolor
Como fuera lo mio
Espérame, cielo
Estoy llegando a ti


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